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Keeping it light

Posted: January 25, 2012 4:32 p.m.
Updated: January 30, 2012 5:00 a.m.

From the mailbag:

• If you’re a hunter and you’re wondering how the shooting will be once you’ve departed this earth, here’s an option: thanks to a couple of Alabama guys, you can have your ashes inserted into shotgun shells and your survivors and hunting buddies can blast away at all sorts of wildlife.

 “I will rest in peace knowing that the last thing a turkey will see is me screaming at him at about 900 feet per second,” said Clem Parnell, a game warden who with a partner has created Holy Smoke LLC.

For about $850, a customer will receive 250 shotgun shells, 100 rifle cartridges or 250 pistol cartridges packed with the ashes of the deceased. Holy Smoke insists that all remains will be handled reverently and that there will be no comingling of ashes.

• My friend Waylon Fortenberry of Chesterfield County says, “My boss phoned me today. He said, ‘Is everything OK at the office?’”

 I said, “Yes, it’s all under control. It’s been a very busy day. I haven’t stopped.”

 “Can you do me a favor?” he asked.

 I said, “Of course, what is it?”

 He said, “Hurry up and hit your shot. I’m in the foursome behind you”

• Top 10 things you’ll never hear a good old boy say:

1. I’ll take Shakespeare for $1000, Alex.

2. Come to think of it, I’ll have a Heineken.

3. Do you think my gut is too big?

4. I’ll have grapefruit and grapes instead of biscuits and gravy.

5. Too many deer heads detract from the décor.

6. Here’s an episode of “Hee Haw” we haven’t seen.

7. Those shorts really ought to be a little longer, Betty Mae.

8. Give me the small bag of pork rinds.

9. She’s too young to be wearing a bikini.

10. When I retire, I’m movin’ North.

• Top 10 reasons it’s good to be a woman, from Zulene Fortenberry, Waylon’s third (and, we hope, last wife):

1. We got off the Titanic first.

2. We don’t look like a frog in a blender when we dance.

3. Taxis stop for us.

4. We can scare male bosses with mysterious gynecological disorder excuses.

5. We don’t have to pass gas to amuse ourselves.

6. We will never regret piercing our ears.

7. We can talk to the opposite sex without having to picture them naked.

8. We can congratulate a teammate without ever touching her rear end.

9. No fashion faux pas we make could ever rival the Speedo.

10. If we marry someone 20 years younger, we are aware that we will look like an idiot.

• Life thoughts from a guy named Ducky:

-- How come we choose from just two people to run for president and over 50 for Miss America?

-- Wouldn’t it be nice if whenever we messed up our life we could simply press “Control-Alt-Delete” and start all over?

--   Don’t argue with an idiot. People watching might not be able to tell the difference.

-- Life is like a roll of toilet paper. The closer it gets to the end, the faster it goes.

-- Marriage changes passion. Suddenly you’re in bed with a relative.

•      Ever notice that the people who are late are often much jollier than the people who have to wait for them?

•      With the political landscape increasingly bitter, old-timers in Kershaw County might recall when a nasty comment was out of the ordinary.

 Back in 1972, when Sen. Edmund Muskie of Maine was the Democratic front-runner for the presidential nomination, the far-right-wing Manchester (N. H.) Union-Leader wrote an editorial calling him “Moscow Muskie” and also criticizing his wife, Jane.

 Muskie, upset at the reference to his wife, wept at a news conference shortly after that. It was the end of his candidacy, for in 1972, you didn’t cry in public if you wanted to be president.

• With Christmas just past, one wag passed along the story about a married couple who were shopping at a mall just days before Christmas. Suddenly the wife realized her husband was no longer with her. Somewhat irate, she called the husband’s cell phone and demanded, “Where the heck are you?”

 The husband replied, “Darling, do you remember that jewelry shop here in the mall where you saw that diamond necklace a few years ago and you totally fell in love with it, but I didn’t have the money back then and I said to you, ‘Baby, one of these days that’ll be yours?’”

 The wife, with a smiling blush, replied, “Yes, I remember that, my love.”

 “Well,” said the husband, “I’m in the bar next to that shop”

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