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A different take on fashion

Posted: March 1, 2012 10:37 a.m.
Updated: March 2, 2012 5:00 a.m.

The Academy Awards show has come and gone.

Yawn.

OK, I know. Many people enjoy the Oscars show because they have at least a passing interest in the movies which are nominated. This year, I had seen two of them -- “The Help” and “Midnight in Paris” -- which is at least one more than I’ve usually seen.

“The Help” was great. I’m still trying to figure out how a 42-year-old author could so accurately nail the Jim Crow South of the 1950s and 1960s.

“Midnight in Paris”? Chick flick, and not much else.

But anyway, I didn’t see the Oscars show Sunday night, even though I think host Billy Crystal is a funny guy. But I did catch some of the fashion hoopla the next morning on one of the network news shows.

Lots of people tune in to the Oscars just to see the whole red carpet thing -- who’s wearing what, and who designed it. Every once in awhile, the fashion experts will even comment the next day on what certain leading men wore.

But there’s only so much you can say about a tuxedo: Black. White shirt. Two pants legs. Two arms. Buttons.

It’s the female stars who capture the attention, and rightfully so.

But watching the Monday morning fashionistas comment on the gowns worn by the stars led me to believe delivering such comments isn’t such a tough job. My friend, Waylon Fortenberry of Chesterfield County, says he and I could launch a new career as fashion commentators.

What the experts said: Gwyneth Paltrow caused heads to swivel. She looked amazing.

What Waylon and I could add: Gwyneth Paltrow would look amazing wearing a burlap bag with two strands of hay sticking out of the corners of her mouth. Gwyneth Paltrow could wear a Three Stooges hairstyle and look amazing.

What the experts said: Angelina Jolie looked sexy in a dress that was open enough for her to stick her thigh out.

What we could add: The same thing we said about Gwyneth. Angelina Jolie could look sexy disguised as a sumo wrestler. But wonder what all those little tattoos on her back mean?

What the experts said: Melissa McCarthy had too much fabric in her dress.

What we could add: How could you cover all of her all up if you didn’t use a lot of fabric? Or maybe even a tarpaulin?

What the experts said: Glenn Close was able to pull off wearing a tight dress with swirls.

What we could add: Hey, we’re Glenn Close fans -- she has a great first name, eh? -- but she looked like the Wicked Witch of the East in that dress. Where was she going -- to a wake?

What the experts said: Sandra Bullock’s open-backed gown wasn’t right for her.

What Waylon and I could add: Don’t you say anything bad about Sandra unless you’re looking for a fistfight.

What the experts said: Michelle Williams looked good in her dress because she has short hair.

What we could add: Michelle Williams would look cute with a shaved head like governor/wrestler Jesse Ventura used to have.

What the experts said: Natalie Portman took a chance on wearing a red dress while appearing on a red carpet.

What we could add: Natalie Portman could take a chance on a purple-and-green polka-dotted girdle and she’d still look stunning.

What the fashion experts didn’t say was that 3000 miles away, at the same time the stars were arriving at the Oscars for their red carpet walk, NASCAR officials were trying to get the Daytona 500 off the starting line during steady rain.

Danica Patrick wore a racing uniform. She looked a lot better than Cale Yarborough or Junior Johnson ever did in theirs.

And I read that Sports Illustrated swimsuit cover girl Kate Upton showed up in the pits at Daytona. She was dressed in a black outfit which was considerably less revealing than the bikinis she wore in SI.

As for Waylon and me, in our expert fashion opinion, we vote for the bikinis.

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