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To be P.C. or not P.C.

Posted: April 10, 2013 2:40 p.m.
Updated: April 12, 2013 5:00 a.m.

From the mailbag:

• My friend Waylon Fortenberry of Chesterfield County isn’t a big proponent of political correctness. But last week, Waylon said that due to the P.C. climate that is pervading the country, Kentuckians and West Virginians will no longer be referred to as hillbillies, but will now be known as Appalachian-Americans.

Further, Waylon said in speaking about women, there are new politically correct terms:

1. She is not a babe or a chick. She is a breasted American.

2. She is not easy. She is horizontally accessible.

3. She has not been around the block a few times. She is a previously enjoyed companion.

4. She isn’t a two-bit hooker. She’s a low-cost provider.

And when it comes to men:

1. He doesn’t have a beer gut. He has developed a liquid grain storage facility.

2. He’s not a horrible dancer. He’s just overly Caucasian.

3. It’s not his crack you see hanging out of the back side of his pants. It’s just trouser cleavage.

• A Maine friend emails me that the day after a Bar Harbor woman disappeared in a kayaking accident, her husband answered his door to find two grim-faced Maine marine patrol officers.”

“We’re sorry, Mr. Wilkens, but we have some information about your wife.,” said one of the officers. “We have some bad news, some good news and some really great news. Which would you like to hear first?”

Fearing the worst, the ashen Mr. Wilkens said, “Give me the bad news first.”

The officer said, “I’m sorry to tell you this, but this morning we found your wife’s body in Frenchman Bay.”

“Oh my gosh,” the husband replied. “What’s the good news?”

The trooper continued, “When we pulled her up, she had 12 two-pound lobsters and six large crabs clinging to her, and we feel you are entitled to a share of the catch.”

Stunned, Mr. Wilkens demanded, “If that’s the good news, then what’s the great news?”

The trooper replied, “We’re gonna pull her up again tomorrow.”

• I can’t attest as to the truthfulness of this, but one West Wateree wag tells me that on the recent Easter Sunday, the pastor of a small, rural church had called all the little kids down to the front for the weekly children’s sermon.

He said, “Today is Easter and you all look so good in your new outfits. Today we’re going to talk about the resurrection. Does anyone know what the resurrection is?”

One little boy raised his hand and the pastor said, “Please tell us what the resurrection is.”

The little boy, proud for knowing the answer, said in a clear, loud voice, “When you get one that lasts more than four hours, you have to call the doctor.”

• Sayings to remember:

1. Money can’t buy happiness, but it’s more comfortable to cry in a Mercedes than on a bicycle.

2. If you help someone when they’re in trouble, they’ll remember you when they’re in trouble again.

3. Many people are alive only because it’s illegal to shoot them.

4. If a man says he will fix something, he will. There’s no reason for his wife to remind him every six months about it.

5. It’s scary when you start making the same noises as your coffee maker.

• A good old boy in the hills of Tennessee won a bass boat in a raffle. He took it home and his wife asked, “What are you gonna do with that? There ain’t no water deep enough to float a boat within a hundred miles of here.”

He told her, “I won it and I’m a-gonna keep it.”

His brother came over to visit several days later and asked the wife where his brother was.

She said, “He’s out there in his bass boat,” pointing to the corn field behind the house.

The brother headed out and saw the man in the middle of a big corn field, sitting in the bass boat with a fishing road in his hand. He yelled out to him, “What are you doin’?”

The brother replied, “I’m fishin.’ What does it look like I’m a-doin’?”

Came the reply: “It’s people like you that give us people from Tennessee a bad name, making everybody think we’re stupid. If I could swim, I’d come out there and whip your rear end.”

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