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Dipping into the mailbag again

Posted: June 20, 2013 9:57 a.m.
Updated: June 21, 2013 5:00 a.m.

How to impress a woman: Wine her, dine her, call her, hug her, hold her, surprise her, compliment her, smile at her, laugh with her, cry with her, shop with her, give her jewelry, buy her flowers, hold her hand, write love letters to her, go to the end of the earth and back again for her.

How to impress a man: Show up naked. Bring beer.

*****

With a new spate of summer blockbuster movies getting ready to hit the market, here are things you would never know if it weren’t for the movies:

• It’s easy for anyone to land a plane if there’s someone in the control tower to talk them down.

• The ventilation system of any building is a perfect place to hide. Nobody will ever think of looking for you there and you can travel to any other part of the building without difficulty.

• Should you wish to pass yourself off as a German military officer, it won’t be necessary to speak the language. German-accented English will do fine.

• A man will show no pain while taking a ferocious beating but will wince when a beautiful woman cleans his wounds.

• If staying in a haunted house, women should investigate any strange noises in their most revealing underwear.

• Word processors never display a cursor on screen but will always say: Enter Password Now.

• A single match will be sufficient to light up a room the size of Zemp Stadium.

• Medieval peasants had perfect teeth.

• Any person waking from a nightmare will sit bolt upright and pant.

• All bombs are fitted with electronic timing devices with large red readouts so you know exactly when they’re going to go off.

• A detective can only solve a case after he’s been suspended from duty.

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A quotation from a woman who will remain anonymous: “Men are like fine wine. They all start out like grapes, and it’s our job to stomp on them and keep them in the dark until they mature into something which you’d like to have dinner with.”

*****

Several different ways  to be offensive at a funeral:

• Ask someone to take a snapshot of you shaking hands with the deceased.

• At the cemetery, play taps on a kazoo.

• Drive behind the widow’s limo and keep honking your horn.

• Put a hard-boiled egg in the mouth of the deceased.

• Slip a whoopee cushion under the widow.

• Show up at the funeral services in a clown’s suit.

• When no one’s looking slip plastic vampire teeth into the mouth of the deceased.

• Goose the widow as she bends over to throw dirt on the coffin.

• Circulate a petition to have the body stuffed rather than buried.

*****

My friend Waylon Fortenberry of Chesterfield County says his two buddies, Earl and Bubba, were in a beer joint when they decided to get in on the weekly charity raffle. They bought five tickets each at a dollar a pop.

The following week, when the raffle was drawn, each had won a prize. Earl won first place, a year’s supply of gourmet spaghetti sauce. Bubba won sixth prize, a toilet brush.

A few days had passed when they met back in the bar for a couple beers. Bubba asked Earl how he liked his prize.

Earl replied, “I love spaghetti. It’s been great. How about you, how’s the toilet brush?”

 “Not so good,” replied Bubba. “I reckon I’m gonna go back to using paper.”

*****

Several reasons Obamacare isn’t all it’s cracked up to be:

• The tongue depressors at your doctor’s office taste faintly of Fudgesickle.

• The only proctologist in the plan is “Gus” from Roto Rooter.

• The only expense covered 100 percent is “embalming.”

• Your annual breast exam is done at Hooters.

• Your Prozac comes in different colors with little M’s on them.

• The only item listed under preventive care is “an apple a day.”

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