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Dipping back into the mailbag

Posted: September 19, 2013 6:58 a.m.
Updated: September 20, 2013 1:00 a.m.

My friend Waylon Fortenberry of Chesterfield County writes to say the French bravado concerning Syria is just for show.

“Actually,” he says, “the French government has raised its terror alert level from ‘Run’ to ‘Hide.’”

The only two higher levels in France are “Collaborate” and “Surrender.” The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France’s white flag factory, effectively paralyzing the country’s military capacity.

Meanwhile, the English have also raised their alert levels from “Miffed” to “Peeved.” If events continue badly, officials say they could raise them again, possibly to “Irritated” or “A Bit Cross.”

Australia, halfway across the world, considered the actions of the two European nations and then raised its own security level from “No worries” to “She’ll be right, Mate.” Only two more levels remain: “Crikey! I think we’ll need to cancel the barbie this weekend” and “The barbie is cancelled.” So far no situation has ever warranted the use of the last escalation level.

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Waylon also says a man walked into his crowded local bar, waved a revolver around and yelled, “Who in here has been fooling around with my wife?”

A voice from the back of the bar yelled back, “You’re gonna need more ammo!”

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One wag getting up in years passes along these pearls of wisdom:

• If walking is good for your health, the postman would be immortal

• I started out with nothing and still have most of it.

• My wild oats have turned into prunes and bran cereal.

• It is easier to get older than it is wiser.

• Kids in the back seat cause accidents, but accidents in the back seat cause kids.

• If God wanted me to touch my toes, he’d have put them on my knees.

• Funny, I don’t remember being absent-minded.

• Funny, I don’t remember being absent-minded.

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A few mathematical formulas to remember:

• Radius of an igloo’s circumference to its diameter = Eskimo Pi

• 2,000 pounds of Chinese soup = Won ton

• 365 days of drinking low-calorie beer = one lite year

• 2,000 mockingbirds = two kilomockingbirds

• 8 nickels = 2 paradigms

• Half a large intestine = one semicolon

• Basic unit of laryngitis = one hoarsepower

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Amazing simple home remedies:

• If you’re choking on an ice cube, simply pour a cup of boiling water down your throat. Presto! The blockage will instantly remove itself.

• Avoid cutting yourself when slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold the vegetables while you chop.

• Avoid arguments with females about lifting the toilet seat by using the sink.

• A mouse trap placed on top of your alarm clock will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep after you hit the snooze button.

• If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives. Then you’ll be afraid to cough.

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A public school teacher was arrested yesterday at Charlotte’s Douglas International Airport as he attempted to board a flight while in possession of a ruler, a protractor, a compass, a slide-rule and a calculator. Attorney General Eric Holder said he believes the man is a member of notorious Al-Gebra movement.

The FBI has arrested the man and charged him with carrying weapons of math instruction. Holder said, “They derive solutions by means and extremes, and sometimes go off on tangents in search of absolute values. They use secret code names like X and Y and refer to themselves as ‘unknowns,’ but we have determined they belong to a common denominator of the axis of medieval with coordinates in every country.”

As the Greek philosopher Isosceles used to say, “There are three sides to every triangle.”

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