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Dipping into the mailbag again

Posted: January 9, 2014 8:52 a.m.
Updated: January 10, 2014 5:00 a.m.

* My friend Waylon Fortenberry of Chesterfield County tells me his 3-year-old grandson went into the bathroom, and his mom was concerned he’d been in there for quite awhile, so she went in to check on him.

The little boy was sitting on the toilet reading a book, but about every 15 seconds, he would put his book down, grip himself onto the toilet seat with this left hand and hit himself on top of the head with his right hand.

“Billy, are you all right?” his mom asked. “You’ve been in here awhile.”

He replied, “I’m fine, Mommy. I just haven’t gone potty yet.”

“OK,” she told him. “But why are you hitting yourself on the head?”

Came his reply: “Works with catsup!”

* One reader sends a list of ways to tell your lawyer is a loser:

• During your initial consultation he tries to sell you Amway products.

• When the prosecutors see who your lawyer is, they high-five each other.

• He picks the jury by playing rock-scissors-stone.

• He places a large “No Refunds” sign on the defense table.

• Just before he says “Your Honor,” he makes those little quotation marks in the air with his fingers.

• The sign in front of his law office reads “Practicing Law Since 2:25 P.M.”

• Whenever his objections are overruled, he tells the judge “Whatever.”

• Just before the trial starts he whispers, “The judge is the one with the little hammer, right?”

* A few answers from a Catholic elementary school Bible test in Ohio. We’ve not, of course, corrected spelling errors:

• Lot’s wife was a pillar of salt during the day but a ball of fire at night.

• Samson slayed the Philistines with the axe of the apostles.

• The seventh commandment is thou shalt not admit adultery.

• Moses died before he ever reached Canada. Then Joshua led the Hebrews in the Battle of Geritol.

• When Mary heard she was the mother of Jesus, she sang the Magna Carta.

• St. John the Blacksmith dumped water on his head.

• The Epistles were the wives of the Apostles.

• Jesus was born because Mary had an immaculate contraption.

• St. Paul cavorted to Christianity. He preached holy acrimony which is another name for marriage.

• One of the oppossums was St. Matthew who was also a taximan.

* Several reasons the new Obamacare isn’t all it’s cracked up to be:

•  The tongue depressors at your doctor’s office taste faintly of Fudgesickle.

• The only proctologist in the plan is “Gus” from Roto Rooter.

• The only expense covered 100 percent is “embalming.”

• Your annual breast exam is done at Hooters.

• Your Prozac comes in different colors with little M’s on them.

• The only item listed under preventive care is “an apple a day.”

* A few points to ponder:

1. Given the recent news that most bottle water comes right out of the tap, did you ever wonder about those people who spend $3 apiece on those little bottles of Evian water? Try spelling Evian backwards: NAÏVE.

2. If the Jacksonville Jaguars are known as the “Jags” and the Tampa Bay Buccaneers are known as the “Bucs,” what does that make the Tennessee Titans?

3. Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?

4. If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?

5. Why isn’t the number 11 pronounced onety-one?

6. If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn’t it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked and dry cleaners depressed?

7. If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it Fed UP?

8. Do Lipton Tea employees take coffee breaks?

9. What hair color do they list on the driver’s licenses of bald men?

10. Why do they put pictures of criminals in the post office? What are we supposed to do, write to them? Why don’t they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the mailmen can look for them while they make their rounds?

11. If it’s true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the others here for?

12. You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.

13. Ever wonder what the speed of lightning would be if it didn’t zig-zag?

14. If a cow laughed, would milk come out of its nose?

15. Whatever happened to Preparations A through G?

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