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Time again to grab from the mailbag

Posted: April 10, 2014 10:07 a.m.
Updated: April 11, 2014 5:00 a.m.

If you’re glad spring is here and you’re looking back on this winter as one of the worst ever, you’re right. But if you want a few weather statistics that are really cruel, try these on for size:

The lowest temperature ever recorded was 129 degrees below zero, in Vostok, Antarctica, in July of 1983. The hottest was 134 degrees in -- where else? -- Death Valley, Cal. In 1913.

The biggest one-day rainfall in history was in 1966, when 72 inches of rain fell on an island in the Indian Ocean in a 24-hour period. To balance that off, the longest drought ever recorded lasted 14 years, from October 1903 until January 1918, when not a single drop of rain fell in Arica, Chile.

And the heaviest hailstone ever seen fell in Bangladesh in 1986, weighing in at 2.25 pounds.

• My friend, Waylon Fortenberry of Chesterfield County, says his wife, Zulene, persuaded him to attend a marriage weekend in order to strengthen their relationship.

The instructor said, “It’s essential that husbands and wives know the things that are important to each other.” He turned to the men and asked, “Can you name your wife’s favorite flower?”

Waylon leaned over, touched Zulene’s arm gently, and whispered, “Gold Medal All-Purpose, isn’t it?”

And thus began his life of celibacy.

• One wag writes that he was in Columbia last week and saw a bumper sticker on a car that read, “I miss Chicago.”

So, he declares, “I broke out a window, stole the radio, shot out two of the tires, added an Obama bumper sticker and then left a note reading, “I hope this helps.”

• Another, always on the eye for jest, sends along the Laws Of The International Council Of Men:

1. Unless you’re in prison, never fight naked.

2. Also, never cook bacon when you’re naked.

3. Friends don’t let friends wear Speedos. Period. Issue closed.

4. Women who claim they “love to watch sports” must be treated as spies until they demonstrate knowledge of the game and the ability to drink as much beer as the other sports watchers.

5. There is no reason for guys to watch men’s ice skating on TV. Ever.

6. Under no circumstances can two men share an umbrella.

• For those of you who love the idiosyncrasies of the English language, consider these questions, which are not politically correct:

-- If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?

-- If the police arrest a mute, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?

-- Why do they put Braille on drive-through bank machines?

-- If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown, too?

-- If you ate both pasta and antipasto, would you still be hungry?

-- Whose cruel idea was it to have the word “lisp” have an “s” in it?

-- Why are hemorrhoids called “hemorrhoids” instead of “asteroids?”

-- If you spin an oriental man in a circle three times, does he become disoriented?

• A cowboy appeared before St. Peter at the Pearly Gates.

“Have you ever done anything of particular merit?” St. Peter asked.

“Well, I can think of one thing,” the cowboy offered. “On a trip to the Black Hills out in South Dakota, I came upon a gang of bikers who were threatening a young woman. I directed them to leave her alone, but they wouldn’t listen.

“So I approached the largest and most tattooed biker and smacked him in the face, kicked his motorcycle over, ripped out his nose ring and threw it on the ground. I yelled, ‘Now, back off or I’ll beat the stuffing out of all of you.’”

St. Peter was impressed. “When did this happen?” he asked.

“A couple of minutes ago.”

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