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The ‘Harmony County Stud Muffin’ column

Posted: August 19, 2014 9:40 a.m.
Updated: August 20, 2014 6:00 a.m.

As the primary pundit at the “Harmony County Weekly Blister,” I am frequently called upon to perform many tasks. So, besides winding up the cat and putting out the clock, I also write the advice to the lovelorn column entitled, “Ask the Stud Muffin.”

I recently received two letters that typify the type of correspondence that crosses my desk.

The first was from a rather wealthy publisher from Chicago. “Dear Stud Muffin: I have recently become engaged. This is a spring-fall relationship. She has just turned 23 and I am a sprightly 84. Despite her obvious affection, I still have some doubts about her sincerity. Do you think that she could possibly just be marrying me for my money?” Signed Old Money Geezer.

My response was, “Dear OMG: It appears that senility has crept up on you with the speed of a bullet. What are you trying to do, get the ‘Strom Thurmond Award for Cradle Robbing?’

“You are not only old enough to be her father, her grandfather, her great-grandfather, but in some states, notably New Jersey and Utah, her great-great-grandfather.

“You have a ‘spring-fall relationship!’ Pal, the leaves have long since fallen and winter is here. Unless you have managed to corner the market on every industrial strength sexual enhancement drug, the leaves are not the only things that are down permanently.

“I have two words of advice for you, ‘Pre-nuptial Agreement,’ and failing that, why not just buy her a house and be done with it?

“However, there is a bright side. I am sure that you are going to go out with a smile that is going to be a challenge to the undertakers.”

The second letter was from Old Blighty. It read, “Dear Studly: I have met a delightful girl and despite the fact she is a commoner, we intend to get married. However, my mother and grandmother with their staffs have taken over wedding plans. I just wanted a simple ceremony with a few thousand of my closest friends. Now the entire country, nay the world is invited. What am I to do?” Signed, HRH Happy Harry.

I came back with this, “Dear Happy: The way I see it you have two choices. The first is to go with the flow. Just sit back, enjoy the champagne, and do as you are told. It is a no-brainer and the family royal is known for that. Remember, the old dame can throw you in the Tower and things never go well for princes there. Just think back to your relative Richard the Third and his nephews.

“Or you can do something daring and elope to Las Vegas. Now there is a spot for a quiet wedding. Wayne Newton, chorus gals in skimpy outfits, tigers fly through the air, the preacher in pink vestments, plus a free breakfast buffet and $1,000 in complimentary chips.

“There are a few drawbacks. The King job is definitely off the table and you can never step foot in England again. Good luck, SM.”

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