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From the mailbag

Posted: September 25, 2014 8:29 a.m.
Updated: September 26, 2014 1:00 a.m.

• My friend Waylon Fortenberry of Chesterfield County tells me that Jesus was born in Bethlehem in Palestine.

That’s a country where people are called Mohammed, Abdul, Mounir, Aziz, Ahmed, Farid, Omar, Youssouf, Mouloud, etc.

Waylon says, “He managed to find  friends called John, Peter, Paul, Phillip, Mark, Thomas, Luke, Matthew, Andrew and Simon … who all drank wine.

“And that,” says Waylon, “is what I call a miracle.”

• While we’re on Biblical topics, one wag writes that his friend Smith climbed to the top of Mt. Sinai to get close enough to talk to God.

Looking up, he asked, “God, what does a million years mean to you?”

The Lord replied, “A minute.”

Smith asked, “And what does a million dollars mean to you?”

God replied, “A penny.”

Smith asked, “Can I have a penny?”

The Lord replied, “In a minute.”

• Two moose hunters from Minnestoa, Sven and Ole, hired a pilot to take them into the wilderness, where they bagged two big bull moose. As they were loading the plane to return, the pilot said the plane could take only the hunters, their gear and one moose.

Sven and Ole objected, saying, “Last year we shot two, and the pilot let us take them both … and he had exactly the same plane as yours.”

Not wanting to be outdone by another bush pilot, he reluctantly gave in and everything was loaded. However, even under full power, the little plane couldn’t handle the load and went down, crashing in the wooded wilderness.

Somehow, surrounded by the two moose, clothing and sleeping bags, Sven and Ole survived the crash.

After climbing out of the wreckage, Sven asked Ole, “Any idea where we are?”

Ole replied, “I think we’re pretty close to where we crashed last year.”

• John was on his deathbed and gasped pitifully. “Give me one last request, dear,” he told his wife, June.

“Of course, John,” June said softly.

“Six months after I die,” he said, “I want you to marry Bob.”

“But I thought you hated Bob,” she said.

With his last breath, John said, “I do.”

• A man goes to a shrink and says, “Doctor, my wife is unfaithful to me. Every night, she goes to Larry’s Bar and picks up men. In fact, she sleeps with anybody who asks her. I’m going crazy. What do you think I should do?”

“Relax,” says the doctor. “Take a deep breath and calm down. Now, tell me, exactly where is Larry’s Bar?”

• Among the best lines from Bob Hope, the incomparable comedian who left us a few years ago:

On turning 70: “I still chase women, but only downhill.”

On turning 80: “That’s the time of your life when even your birthday suit needs pressing.”

On turning 100: “I don’t feel old. In fact, I don’t feel anything till noon. Then it’s time for my nap.”

On giving up his early boxing career: “I ruined my hands in the ring. The referee kept stepping on them.”

On his career: “When I was born, the doctor said to my mother, ‘Congratulations. You have an 8-pound ham.’”

On his family’s early poverty: “Four of us slept in one bed. When it got cold, Mother threw on another brother.”

On his six brothers: “That’s how I learned to dance -- waiting for the bathroom.”

On his early failures: “I would not have had anything to eat if it wasn’t for the stuff the audience threw at me.”

On going to heaven: “I’ve done benefits for all religions. I’d hate to blow the hereafter on a technicality.”


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