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Nip and tuck? No thanks

Posted: October 30, 2014 9:24 a.m.
Updated: October 31, 2014 1:00 a.m.

Renee Zellweger turned up last week looking nothing like ... well, nothing like Renee Zellwegger.

The mega-star’s appearance was far from what filmgoers have grown to expect during the last 20 years. She passed off her new look as the result of nothing more than living a happier life.

Well, if living a happier life will make me look like Brad Pitt, then I’m headed out for some jolly pills in just a few minutes.

Many Hollywood stars, of course, are famous for their plastic surgeries, or “having some work done,” as it’s come to be known. There is, in the tabloid TV business, a bit more than speculation about whether Zellweger went under the knife.

Some say that if nips and tucks are the rule in Movieland, Zellwegger went for the Mount Rushmore of surgery.

Here’s the deal: Zellwegger wasn’t exactly a homely person to start with. She made millions playing the adorable female in romantic flicks, and though she was never considered a classic beauty, her elfin good looks made her, as young people like to say today, pretty hot.

Narrow eyes one day, wide eyes the next. Who knows?

She’s certainly not the only one.

A few years ago, Meg Ryan, who had become American’s screen sweetheart, underwent some sort of procedure.

That was back in the days when lots of stars were getting collagen injections in their lips, but Ryan sort of overdid it. Her lips were so puffed up she looked like she’d gotten in the way of a right hook from Muhammad Ali in his heyday.

Some columnists called her Fish Lips. Fans chuckled about her, and her career tanked. Wasn’t too long after that she went from being the girl next door to the girl with no clothes on in erotic movies.

She’s never recovered, I guess. I’m no movie fan, but I don’t read much about her being a big box-office draw these days.

Cable news host Greta Van Susteren’s no stranger to getting a bit of work done, but hers, over the years, has turned out better than some.

Celebrity watchers from coast to coast said Van Susteren first became intrigued with getting her eyes lifted a bit, and it just sort of vaulted from there.

You ask me, I think she’s done herself a favor.

Of course, going for a little appearance enhancement isn’t confined to women. Plenty of Hollywood guys have slipped away for a little vacation, only to return with tighter skin and fewer turkeys in their necks.

Several years ago I was out in Vegas -- hey, I’m not a regular out there, but thought I’d play a little blackjack and see a few shows -- when I noticed Barry Manilow was performing.

Yes, I’m a Barry Manilow fan. Go ahead and chortle. Call me a girlie guy. I like Barry.

The singer who came onstage had the vocal chords of Barry Manilow. He had the hair of Barry Manilow. He even had the walk of Barry Manilow.

But darned if his face wasn’t the strangest mix of contortion and physics I had ever seen. Barry got his facial skin pulled so far back that if someone had taken a scalpel to his cheeks, his ears would have become a slingshot.

Burt Reynolds pulled the same thing, and Kenny Rogers did, too, and he should have fired the guy who put the knife to him.

But Michael Jackson was the king of plastic, though he steadfastly denied it.

I’ve never been vain about my appearance, simply because I have nothing to be vain about. Never much in the looks department, I’m aging right along -- bags under my eyes, bulges in my neck, knots where they aren’t supposed to be and no muscles where they are supposed to be.

But I’m satisfied. You don’t have to worry about old Glenn having work done. Well, maybe if Meg Ryan drains those lips and asks me to co-star with her in a Hollywood smash hit, but certainly nothing short of that.

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