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Tucker: From the mailbag

Posted: November 20, 2014 4:44 p.m.
Updated: November 21, 2014 1:00 a.m.

• “Glenn,” writes my friend Waylon Fortenberry of Chesterfield County, “I’m not saying let’s go kill all the stupid people. I’m just saying let’s remove all the warning labels and let the problem work itself out.”

Waylon has a number of wise observations to pass along:

* You can tell a lot about a woman’s mood just by her hands. If they’re holding a gun, she’s probably angry.

* You know that tingly little feeling you get when you really like someone? That’s common sense leaving your body.

* I don’t like making plans for the day because then the word “premeditated” gets thrown around the courtroom.

* I didn’t make it to the gym today. That makes five years in a row.

* I decided to stop calling the bathroom the John and renamed it the Jim. I feel so much better saying I went to the Jim this morning.

* Dear paranoid people who check behind the shower curtain for murderers: If you find one, what’s your plan?

• One friend sends along a quote by controversial sheriff Joe Arpaio of Maricopa County, Arizona:

“A liberal’s paradise would be a place where everybody has guaranteed employment, free comprehensive healthcare, free education, free food, free housing, free clothing, free utilities, and only law enforcement has guns. And believe it or not, such a place does, indeed, exist. It’s called prison.”

• Waylon’s third cousin, Lester, says, “My wife was screaming at me. ‘Leave. Get out of this house.’”

“As I was walking out the door, she yelled, ‘I hope you die a slow and painful death.’”

“So,” Lester says, “I turned around and replied, ‘So now you want me to stay?’”

• One wag, who much prefers drinking beer to exercising, reasons, “If walking is good for your health, the postman would be immortal.

“A whale swims all day, eats only fish, drinks water but is still fat.

“A rabbit runs and hops and only lives 15 years, while a tortoise doesn’t run and does mostly nothing except eat, yet it lives for 150 years.

“And they tell us to exercise? I don’t think so.”

• You’re an extreme redneck if:

* You’ve been married three times and still have the same in-laws.

* You wonder how rest stops on the interstate keep their bathrooms so clean.

* Your senior prom offers day care.

* You think the last words of the Star Spangled Banner are “Gentlemen start your engines.”

* The Halloween pumpkin on your porch has more teeth than your spouse.

• Wise thoughts to remember:

* A wasp is considerably faster than a John Deere tractor.

* Don’t corner something that you know is meaner than you are.

* Forgive your enemies; it messes up their heads.

* You can’t unsay a cruel word.

* When you wallow with pigs, expect to get dirty.

* Remember that silence is sometimes the best answer.

* Live a good, honorable life. Then, when you get older and think back, you’ll enjoy it a second time.

* Good judgment comes from experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.

* Letting the cat out of the bag is a whole lot easier than putting it back in.

* If you get to thinking you’re a person of influence, try ordering someone else’s dog around.


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