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Tucker: What I’m un-thankful for

Posted: December 4, 2014 3:08 p.m.
Updated: December 5, 2014 1:00 a.m.

It didn’t take my friend Waylon Fortenberry of Chesterfield County long to call me following my Thanksgiving column of last week.

“Yep, I agree there are lots of things to be thankful for,” Waylon said, “but there are quite a few to be unthankful for, too. You know what I mean?”

Waylon started in on a few pet peeves of his, so I figured I’d join in. Following our season of thanks, here are a few things I’m not thankful for:

• People who talk incessantly about their Final Four brackets, with every reason why they should have won if only blah, blah, blah.

• Fruitcake

• Those ads that show Amish men making heaters that will keep you warm for only pennies a day. The guys in those photos are about as Amish as Bill Clinton.

• All the aches and pains that accompany advancing age.

• People who drive at dusk with their lights off, too dense -- OK, too dumb -- to realize that even if they can make out the road, other motorists can’t see them.

• Hard-line partisans in Washington -- Harry Reid, Ted Cruz, Nancy Pelosi. Take your pick.

• Snooki, Rosie O’Donnell, all the Kardashians, Donald Trump, Al Sharpton and, for the second straight year, Justin Bieber.

• Telemarketers, spammers, other similar lowlife.

• Tired sports clichés, such as “They just wanted it more than we did” and “we came out flat” and “he always gives it a hundred and ten percent.”

• People with backpacks slung carelessly over their shoulders who walk down airplane aisles, jostling everyone who’s sitting in an aisle seat.

• Tailgaters.

• Spinach, liver, pumpkin soup, turnip greens. Holy smoke, where’s the bacon?

• Pet-owners who don’t keep their dogs on leashes and then yell “Oh, he’s friendly” as their cherished pooch snarls and nips at your legs.

• Political correctness.

• “That's why he went to Jared.”

• The phrase “each and every one.”

• Those concrete barriers they put up when they’re working on interstate highways, so you have to drive with a big killer wall only two feet away on both sides. Who do they think we are, Nascar drivers?

• Kidney stones. Ouch.

• Public restrooms that don’t have any paper towel dispensers, so you have to grip the door handle with the sleeve of your shirt or sweater to avoid those germs that come from … well, you know where they come from.

• People who want to give everyone a shot-by-shot description of their golf round.

• Those pesky pop-up ads.

• Summer colds.

• TV ads for those ambulance-chasing lawyers who promise to get you “the money you deserve” if you’ve been in an accident.

• Getting gum on the bottom of my shoe because some oaf has thrown it on the sidewalk.

• The length of college football games. Four hours is just too darned long.

• Having to use the flashlight app on my phone so I can peruse the menus in restaurants. What, they didn’t pay their electric bill? Couldn’t be my eyes, could it?

• Fruitcake. One more time.

• Shorter and shorter tee shots each year. As one friend moaned, “I’m amazed when I hit it really good, how far it doesn’t go.”

• Four-way stop signs.

Oh, well. There's much more to be thankful for than unthankful. And come to think of it, here's what we can wish for: a fistfight to the end between Justin Bieber and Al Sharpton.


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