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Tucker: It’s college football bowl season

Posted: December 18, 2014 9:38 a.m.
Updated: December 19, 2014 1:00 a.m.

We’re now entering the most sacred season of the year, that time when men in Kershaw County bow their heads, reflect on their good fortune and ponder COLLEGE FOOTBALL BOWL SEASON.

Yes, though many of you might be concentrating on minor, insignificant events like your family Christmas celebration, most men across the country are hunkered down with their point spread sheets and their parlay cards.

This is the time when the very elite -- the most powerful -- gridiron powers of the nation will be rewarded for their skill and excellence by being invited to a post-season bowl.

Well, in actuality, all but three teams in the country will be going to a bowl, and NCAA officials have announced that the players on those three teams, along with the mascots, will be taken out tomorrow and shot at daylight by a firing squad.

It’s also the time of year when coaches are doing their best ballspeak.

At North Carolina, head coach Larry Fedora fired his defensive coordinator and explained his search for a new one: “You’ve got guys that can play. Whether they’re at the bandit or the ram. A ram is a guy that’s been a hybrid. Whether you’re in a 4-3 or a 3-4, you’re in so much nickel and dime coverage that you’re using a lot of secondary people.”

I swear that’s what he said. You can look it up.

Coaches believe that with that kind of explanation, they can fool nearly everyone. But real men -- manly men such as I -- can decipher this talk.

What he really meant was, “We had such a bad season that the athletic director told me he was going to fire my sorry a** so I went out and fired somebody first, and then I decided to talk about rams and hybrids until this whole thing blows over and my job’s safe for another year.”

Fedora’s team has been invited to play perennial gridiron power Rutgers in the Quick Lane bowl in beautiful, murder-ridden, bankrupt Detroit. Each player will be issued a complimentary handgun before kickoff.

Word is Fedora secretly told his players if they don’t win, they’ll have to start taking courses in which they’re actually required to show up in class.

At the University of South Carolina, fans are ecstatic -- beside themselves, I’m telling you -- about a chance to drive to Shreveport, La., for the Duck Commander Independence Bowl, whatever that is.

USC plans to hold a lottery for all season-ticket holders, with the winner getting a week’s vacation in Shreveport. Second place is two weeks in Shreveport.

The ticket office at South Carolina is making a good play at sounding optimistic, but insider sources say they’ve sold only three tickets so far, and more Gamecock alumni are expected to attend Holiday On Ice than the Duck Commander Bowl.

Over at Clemson, officials have come up with a novel way to sell a few extra tickets to the Russell Athletic Bowl, which is apparently named for a jockey strap company.

The athletic department at Clemson is inviting fans to buy tickets and then donate them to members of the armed services so they can attend the game. Upon learning the news, four sergeants, five corporals and six privates immediately opted for another tour in the Mideast.

Anyway, that’s about it for football. The action starts soon, including the Royal Purple Las Vegas Bowl, Gildan New Mexico Bowl and Bitcoin St. Petersburg Bowl.

So get your priorities in order, put away all that tinsel and eggnog, and be prepared for non-stop viewing.

And if you need somebody at your company fired, just call Fedora. He’ll help you come up with a good explanation.

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