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Tucker: College administrators stuck in Never-Never Land

Posted: February 5, 2015 3:57 p.m.
Updated: February 6, 2015 1:00 a.m.

The City University of New York is banning the use of the salutations “Mr.” and “Mrs.” and “Ms.” as part of the school’s “ongoing effort to ensure a respectful, welcoming and gender-inclusive learning environment.”

Oh, sure. That makes perfect sense.

These people at CUNY might have high IQs. They might take great pride in their classroom work. It’s almost certain that they consider themselves guardians of the halls of academe.

But they’re idiots, is what they are.

Egghead professor No. 1: “It dawns on me that we should eliminate any last trace of individuality from this campus. Let’s treat all our students as if they were robots. That way, none of them can get offended. We certainly don’t want anyone thinking that there are both men and women on this campus.”

Egghead professor No. 2: “That’s a great idea. The last thing we want students believing is that there are two distinct genders in this world.”

When these profs get together again, they might just take this thing to another level:

“Tell you what let’s do,” says Egghead 1. “Let’s call everybody on campus by the name Frank on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays. Then on Tuesdays, Thursdays and Saturdays, let’s call everyone Elvira. Then all the students will know we’re truly gender-blind.”

“That’s another great idea. But how about Sundays?”

“We’ll just call everybody Fralvira.”

“Absolutely stunning. Brilliant, even. Everyone will know how respectful a learning environment we have here.”

Don’t laugh. That conversation’s probably taking place as you read this.

Are college administrators living in ivory towers, or what?

At Duke, a highly regarded institution located just up the road in Durham, N.C., college officials decided it would be a good idea to amplify a Muslim prayer call from the spires of the university’s revered chapel.

This was only a few days after radical Islamic terrorists killed all those innocent people in Paris. Duke officials were eager to show their broad-mindedness.

They were shocked when some people objected. “How could they?” the academics wailed.

Never mind that if a bunch of Methodists -- Duke’s loosely affiliated with that denomination -- or Baptists or Catholics or any other kinds of Christians had wanted to amplify a prayer call, Duke officials would have become red-faced with apoplexy.

They would have needed diapers, so quick would they have been to soil themselves over such an egregious occurrence.

And at nearby Chapel Hill, my alma mater, UNC officials announced they would remove the word “freshman” from official university documents because, they said, the term is offensive to some people.

They declared the university was “committed to providing an inclusive and welcoming environment for all members of our community.”

Obviously, any word with “man” in it is offensive. On snowy days, I’m not really sure whether they’re going to let kids build snowmen or whether they’ll have to be snowpersons.  And golf fans certainly won’t be able to yell “You da man” at tournaments held anywhere near Chapel Hill.

You da person, maybe?

I could tell you more. But I’ll stop.

Here’s what’s happening: rather than urging their students to reject racism, gender bias and discrimination of all kinds, as they should, college administrators are sticking their heads further up their … well, you know where I’m going.

Hey, I fully understand college students are supposed to be idealistic. I’m all for it. Did my share of protesting when I was a callow youth.

But the administrators who are issuing these touchy-feely dictums are stuck in Never-Never Land, more concerned with their pronouncements than with what’s really happening. They’re glaring down from their tower windows on what they see as the ignorant masses below, and they intend to educate us, by golly.

Heaven help us all if they ever find themselves in charge of anything other than colleges.

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