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Tucker: From the mailbag

Posted: February 12, 2015 10:36 a.m.
Updated: February 13, 2015 1:00 a.m.

• Mary Katherine entered the convent, and the Mother Superior told her, “Sister, this is a silent order. You are welcome to stay here as long as you like, but you may not speak until I direct you to do so.”

Mary Katherine lived in the convent for five years before the Mother Superior said to her, “Sister, you may now speak two words. “ She replied, “Bedroom freezing.”

After another five years, the Mother Superior again approached Mary Katherine and instructed her to speak two more words. “Food inedible,” she replied.

On her 15th anniversary in the convent, the Mother Superior again called Mary Katherine into her office with the same instructions: “You may say two words.” She replied, “I quit.”

“It’s probably for the best,” said the Mother Superior. “You’ve done nothing but gripe ever since you got here.”

• A new pastor was visiting in the homes of his parishioners. At one house, it seemed obvious that someone was home, but no answer came to his repeated knocks at the door.

Therefore, he took out a business card and wrote “Revelation 3:20” on the back of it and stuck it in the door.

When the offering was counted the following Sunday, he found his card had been returned. Added to it was the cryptic message, “Genesis 3:10.”

Reaching for his Bible to check out the citation, he first reviewed Revelation 3:20, which reads, “Behold, I stand at your door and knock.” Then he moved on to Genesis 3:10, which reads, “I heard your voice in the garden and I was afraid, for I was naked.”

• One Republican wag passes along the following tip for starting each day with a positive outlook:

1. Open a new file in your computer.

2. Name the file “Hillary Rodham Clinton.”

3. Attempt to delete it.

4. Your computer will ask you, “Do you really want to get rid of Hillary Rodham Clinton?”

5. Firmly click “yes.”

6. Feel better? Good. Next week you can do Nancy Pelosi, and if you’re a Democrat, you might try Chris Christie.

• Questions that have puzzled man since the beginning of time:

Can a hearse carrying a corpse drive in the carpool lane?

If the professor on Gilligan’s Island could make a radio out of a coconut, why couldn’t he fix a hole in a boat?

Why does your OB-GYN leave the room when you get undressed if he’s going to look up there, anyway?

What do you call male ballerinas?

If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?

Do illiterate people get the full benefit of alphabet soup?

• Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog’s face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him on a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?

• A collection of famous last words:

Pull the pin and count to what?

Which wire was I supposed to cut?

I wonder where the mother bear is.

I’ve seen this done on TV.

These are the good kind of mushrooms.

I’ll hold it and you light the fuse.

• Points to ponder:

1. Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?

2. If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?

3. Why isn’t the number 11 pronounced onety-one?

4. If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn’t it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked and dry cleaners depressed?

5. Do Lipton Tea employees take coffee breaks?

6. What hair color do they list on the driver’s licenses of bald men?

7. Why do they put pictures of criminals in the post office? What are we supposed to do, write to them?

8. If a cow laughed, would milk come out of its nose?

9. Whatever happened to Preparation A through G?

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