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Column: Creeping up on a creepy holiday

Posted: February 7, 2018 1:52 p.m.
Updated: February 6, 2018 1:00 a.m.

 

Valentine’s Day will soon be here and chances are, hapless guys all over America will be in the doghouse one way or another on that special, special day.

It’s inevitable.

Maybe you’ll buy a card that’s so cheesy, you can spread it on water crackers and serve it with a good chianti and a side of sliced dry salami. Maybe you’ll do something like buy a totally inappropriate gift, like the time my dad bought my mom a cast iron Dutch oven/frying pan set for her birthday. Never mind that they would be worth something someday in some offbeat country antique store. At that moment, they did not sparkle like the diamonds she apparently thought she was getting -- indeed, he was lucky she didn’t give him a goose egg the size of the Hope Diamond with one of them.

In retrospect, this seemed like a pretty bad idea, anyway. Early in their marriage, mom was not particularly gifted in the culinary skills. In fact, one night, Dad remarked, in passing, that he figured  Mom must have worshipped the very ground he walked on because she presented him with burnt offerings every night for dinner.

But hey; we all learn. She learned to cook brilliantly; he became a bit more adept at gift giving -- or, more likely, wised up enough to ask her friends what she might want.

But then, in the great American tradition of commercializing everything, even the gift of Aphrodite, along came this evil invention called “Valentine’s Day.”

We all know the rest of that story; we live it every year.

Of course, some folks never really have to worry about it, because they will probably never get a date. Presumably, that means they will probably never reproduce, so perhaps that’s not a bad thing, even though it seems cruel at the time.

Nonetheless, for those who need a little help, I offer the following as advice: Ditch the pickup line; like television exercise equipment, they only work for people who are already rich and/or good looking.

But if you still insist, here are a few tried and true lines that are guaranteed to maybe work, provided you deliver them from the driver’s seat of a new Ferrari.

“Do you have a library card? I’d really like to check you out.

Is there a mirror in yer britches? Because I can see myself in them.

Beauty is only a light switch away.

Fat Penguin -- sorry, I just wanted to say something that would break the ice.

Can you help me find my puppy? I think he went into this cheap motel room.

Your eyes are as blue as window cleaner.

If you’re going to regret this in the morning, we can sleep ‘til the afternoon.”

Or not.

On the other hand, there’s always the chance that you could, you know, be yourself. Remember, there’s no one else out there exactly like you, so it’s all about selling that one-of-a kind rough diamond thing.

First impressions are key, and the last time I checked, most people don’t want to know everything up front. An introductory statement such as, “Insanity runs in my family and I have a chronic skin condition,” more often than not is going to be a deal breaker.

Then again, there usually is someone for everyone. Remember Romena and Ernest T. Bass?

Good luck, and may Cupid’s arrow hit the mark for you!

 

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