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Column: Worth almost a penny, maybe

Posted: June 4, 2018 3:21 p.m.
Updated: June 5, 2018 1:00 a.m.

Just in case anyone has a penny or two they wish to toss at something besides a wishing well, here are a couple of random thoughts regarding everyone who has made the headlines via hoof and mouth disease.

They’re giving us straight talk, some say? Just telling it like it is?

Uh, huh.

I occasionally wonder what would happen if I really expressed every thought I’ve ever had, as it occurred, in real time and out loud. Indeed, I’ve occasionally had dark fantasies of suddenly breaking into a spontaneous attack of some particularly vulgar and profane form of Tourette’s whenever I’m sitting in government meetings, candidate forums and campaign rallies.

My guess is, regardless of whether my outburst of scatalogical responses to outrageously ridiculous statements would be considered amusing, enlightening, or accurate, I would likely soon be a permanent house guest in some nearby padded bed and breakfast.

And yet, the shrieking and  caterwauling continues, mostly by people who generally fail to understand that rights come with responsibilities, and freedom of expression, like everything else remotely worthwhile on this planet, does, in fact, have a price.

Last week, it was Roseanne Barr. Kathleen Parker states in her column that she has never seen the attraction for Roseanne Barr’s humor and thus has no sympathy for her current situation.

I would have to agree. I have never thought Barr was particularly funny. Indeed, she’s just one of many alleged comics I find obnoxious rather than funny -- Samantha Bee is another. Most of the cast members of the last dozen or so seasons of Saturday Night Live also come to mind, although to be fair to all of them, I am bored rather than offended. I am certainly not amused. But as they say, one person’s chuckle is often another’s yawn.

I’m sure much of my problem is generational -- the kids today just don’t have a sense of humor -- but that’s largely irrelevant.

The point is, these and other losers, uh, I mean celebrities, who have made headlines with allegedly outrageous and highly offensive statements were already guilty of being unfunny and irrelevant, hence, the motivation to say something offensive and outrageous. They never should have been working on television shows, stand-up gigs, movies, or whatever else it was they were doing for a living in the first place.

I think a good solution would be to sentence all of them to several years working in some telemarketing boiler room in a place like Pakistan. That way, they could still make money ripping off the portion of the public that supports their profound lack of talent, but some good might come of the experience -- something akin to the concept of prison rehabilitation -- because they might learn some real comedic improv chops from some real pros, such as the comedians who bring us such entertaining skits as “IRS Agent Calling” and “Grandma, please Bail me out of Canadian Jail.”

I do occasionally wonder why anyone bothers to pick up the phone anymore, anyway. Caller ID pretty much renders everything from telemarketers to prank calls obsolete, even with spoofing.  In other words, you probably won’t ever pick up the phone and hear some kid scream, “Your goat’s in my garden!” unless you just want to.

Speaking of money scams, do yourself a favor and don’t fall for this one:

“As your elected representative, I promise to...”


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