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Cupid, take back your bow

Posted: February 13, 2017 3:45 p.m.
Updated: February 14, 2017 1:00 a.m.

Here we go again.

Just when you’re almost dug out from under the Christmas bills, along comes Valentine’s Day to throw dirt right back into the hole with you. 

Unless, of course, you take a frugal approach, as I do. After while, you learn that mere trinkets like flowers, candy and champagne are just that, trinkets. Consumables.  The flowers turn brown and fall off the stems; the champagne goes flat; the candy goes – ah, to a place I have learned not to go.  

Nope, after awhile you realize it’s all about attitude.  A simple, sweet, heartfelt and sincere gesture is best. For example, for Valentine’s Day this year, I think I’m going to give my Beloved the day off from cleaning the house, mowing the lawn, re-shingling the roof, slopping the hogs, mending the fences, chopping firewood and washing and waxing the cars. 

She can do it Saturday instead of going to work.

Just kidding, of course! She can do it Saturday after she gets off work.

Yeah, and then he woke up, snarl the sign waving heebie-jeebies as they stomp en masse across the White House lawn of my mind.

OK, OK, maybe I should be a little less generous with all my great advice to keep that sweet bird of romance a twittering merrily in your life. I mean, granted, one would think women everywhere would all come a-runnin’, hearts aflutter, after the groovy scene I portrayed in my opening paragraphs. But there is also such a condition known as “too much of a good thing.”

In other words, there can be only one Yours Truly – and I am told -- often pointedly and heatedly -- that is usually way too much of a good thing.

For those seeking romance, remember, sincerity, sincerity, sincerity. This is something even the old folks at home knew 50 years ago. I remember my dad talking about a time he was out on a date when he was in high school. He was maybe 15 and didn’t quite have his game down. Anyway, he got a notion the ice queen he was with that night -- back then she would have been called a NAB (No Action Babe) as opposed to a round heels -- might melt a little if he tried a little tenderness, as it were. So there they were, parked, all alone on a moonlit night down by the river in the family Packard, when he made his first tentative foray -- a faint sniff. 

“What’s the matter with you,” she muttered, eyes narrowing. 

“Nobody loves me and my hands are cold,” he said, his voice catching ever so slightly. 

“Yeah, well, God loves you and you can sit on your hands,” she said.

Again, sincerity, sincerity, sincerity.

Of course, humor is the great equalizer and many a romantic flame has been kindled with the spark of a particularly witty one-liner. However, it is important to note that not everyone shares the same sense of humor – and guy humor v. girl humor can be tricky. A simple friendly jab that draws guffaws from your best guy friend will earn you a piercing “burn thee in the nether regions for all eternity, oh ye who stand to relieve thyself” look from a random female unfamiliar with your brand of wit and wisdom.

I would learn that lesson later -- many times later, actually -- as I discovered a lot of women really didn’t share my sense of humor. Firing off a line like, “Gee your apartment looks so much different through my telescope,” too often completely bypasses the funny bone only to crash headlong into the 911-on-speed-dial button. 

Here are a few other conversation starters that as a general rule probably will result in a punch in the nose rather than a hearty chuckle and an invitation for a cup of coffee and an inspection of her modern art collection,  unless your name is Bill Gates and you are about to drop dead leaving no known heirs.

• Do you have a library card? I’d like to check you out.

• You might not be the best looking girl here -- but beauty is only a light switch away.

• Fat Penguin…Sorry, I just wanted to say something that would break the ice.

• Can you help me find my puppy? I think he went into this cheap motel room.

• Your eyes are as blue as window cleaner.

• If you think you’re going to regret this in the morning, we can sleep until afternoon.

With that I will wish you all a very happy and successful V.D. 

Then I will go lie down on the couch with a bag of frozen peas draped over my schnozz.

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