(C-I Editor’s Note: We believe the following article is meant to be satirical. Please decide for yourself, however.)
The economy is still in the doldrums and finding a job is not an easy proposition for most people. Here are 11 strategies to help you land that dream job you’ve been looking for:
1. As Shakespeare said, “To thine own self be true.” Know yourself; be aware of both your good points and bad points. When you have thoroughly analyzed every single incident in your life that has resulted in good consequences, and then have deeply investigated your motivations for every single incident in your life that led to bad consequences, you will be old enough to collect Social Security, so you won’t need to look for work anymore. Plus you will have an outstanding bill from your therapist.
2. Don’t worry about lack of experience. So what if you never studied physics in high school and can barely read a book? You can still apply at NASA to be one of those people in a white shirt who drink coffee out of Styrofoam cups all day and track things on a green, beeping screen. Most research laboratories in the United States will hire you on the basis of your handshake and smile, not your academic credentials.
3. Don’t be afraid of more education. It is a wonderful way for other people to progress in life, so why should you fear it? You, of course, already know everything, Sherlock.
4. Remember that progress wasn’t built in a day. Don’t become impatient if you are not hired as the CEO of a company right away. Sometimes it can take a full week of plotting, backstabbing, conniving, and perhaps a dose of assassination to make it to the top. Start small, and think big; look where that got Attila the Hun.
5. Keep your expectations realistic (The Mental Health Association made us stick that one in).
6. Position yourself as a leader and charmer and an all-around good fellow and boon companion. How do you do this? Lie. Statistics prove that 75 percent of all fibs are never revealed, including this one.
7. Your cover letter should be as long as Tolstoy’s “War and Peace.” That way a prospective employer will never get to your resume only to learn you never passed the seventh grade, and had to take that twice.
8. Paint yourself entirely green. We don’t know how this can help your job search; we just always wanted to see a bunch of green people walking around the place.
9. Spend six hours every day riding in elevators, giving your 30-second “Elevator Speech” to complete strangers. An impressed judge will soon give you a full-time position cleaning toilet stalls at the county jail.
10. Let the job find you. Put this meaningless piece of Zen gibberish at the top of your application, then assume the Lotus position and await Nirvana.
11. Ask lots of questions at your job interview. Why does the earth spin clockwise? Are there rainbows on the Moon? Can steam be turned into rutabagas? And how do you spell Poughkeepsie? This will impress the interviewer with your perspicacity and alertness. If that doesn’t get you the job, we’ll gladly retire to a beach on the Gulf of Thailand and suffer untold agonies while getting a foot massage.
(Tim lives in Provo, Utah. He dreams constantly about going back to live and teach in Thailand, where he lived for five years. He has put his dream into prose form here: http://www.gofundme.com/cmbn6w.)