Things are going along pretty nicely when suddenly you wake up one morning to find a Black Hole in your backyard. There’s no need to panic or call 911; this is a common, everyday occurrence around the world. People have been dealing with Black Holes in their back yards for many years without turning so much as a hair, and you can too. Now if it was a Black Hole in your FRONT yard that would be a true catastrophe. But, as we say, most Black Holes pop up overnight in the backyard, and here are 8 tips on what to do with them.
1. No more recycling worries! Just toss everything you don’t want or need any more into your convenient Black Hole. We do suggest you put a fence around it, to keep anything (or anyone) from falling into it by “accident”. Ha. Ha.
2. Troll for Captain Janeway. She’s still in there somewhere, despite the Hollywood happy ending they tried to fob off on us! Rig up some 20 lbs. fishing line and bait it with a thermos of strong black coffee -- she always did like her java that way!
3. Nasturtiums do very well as a border for Black Holes. You won’t need to water them; your Black Hole will manage to pull down plenty of rain clouds as they try to pass overhead.
4. Since Black Holes generate an inconceivable amount of energy, you can jury rig a power outlet that will run every electric appliance in your home. Just invite some of the boys from the Large Hadron Collider over in Switzerland to stop by for a barbeque and ask them to hook it up for you -- they’ll be glad to oblige after they’ve had a couple of beers.
5. The Event Horizon is a good place to build a gazebo. The view is amazing. And you won’t be bothered by mosquitos.
6. While Black Holes themselves are completely noiseless, some of the items they suck in may make quite a racket -- such as airplanes, utility lines, nervous people, or buildings. To muffle any unpleasant sound we suggest you replace the nasturtiums with a hawthorn hedge.
7. Occasionally something from another dimension may force its way out of your Black Hole and want to hang around the neighborhood. Most of these disgusting things are not malignant, just curious. It’s best to have a very large shop vac on hand, so you can clean them up as they enter our world; most landfills will take them off your hands for an additional fee.
8. Black Holes do have a tendency to meander. This means that your Black Hole may wind up in the neighbor’s yard, or even out in the street where it might disrupt traffic. If your Black Hole wants to wander you can keep it in place by offering it sacrifices while dressed in a grass skirt with your face painted deep purple. Just bow down before it, chanting “Bugawuga mufu, O mighty one!” and throw chicken gizzards into it. It’ll settle right down and become like a member of your own family in no time.
(Tim Torkildson is a humorist. His work appears regularly in the St Paul Pioneer Press and through Deseret News Services. His blog is at http://iwritetheblogggs.com/ He also rents himself out as an objet d’art.)