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Lessons scary movies have taught us
The Possession
"The Possession" teaches buy everything new. - photo by Diyah Pera

LIFELESSONSVILLE -- Halloween is a time for candy, fun and scaring yourself to death. We love watching movies that leave us wide-eyed and incapable of sleep. Why, you ask? I have no idea. But I also don’t know why we insist on eating bacon on everything, even though it will kill us. Sure it’s delicious, but we know it’s building a dam of lard and deliciousness to our heart, but we do it anyway. I feel like I’ve strayed off topic, but it’s bacon. There’s always time to talk about bacon.

Anyway, what I was trying to say is that we like to watch scary movies on Halloween; it’s just what we do. While we may see scary movies as a waste of time to give us a jump and a bad night’s sleep, we can also look at them as educational films. Truth be told we can learn a lot from horror films if we pay attention. In the past we’ve given you some great lessons from scary movies, and it’s time we give you a few more.

Marathon training may save your life

Ever had a desire to run a marathon? Me neither, but it may save your life. Not only will it probably make you healthier and help with that afore-mentioned bacon dam, but it will also get you out of a life-or-death situation.

A fact we have learned from scary movies is no matter how reliable your car is it will not start when being chased by a creature/monster/serial killer. Just the way the world works. Since you know the car won’t start already, don’t mess with it, just run.

If you’ve already been running as much as 20 miles just because you can, you’ll be able to run away from the danger and hopefully until dawn and to safety. As a side note, if you find a creepy old farmhouse during said run, do not ask to use the phone.

That’s basically two tips in one.

Buy everything new

Remember that adorable vanity you saw at the flea market last weekend that was full of charm and scent of peppermint? Take it back now. Odds are the previous owner won’t take it back, so instead just burn it and bury the ashes deep.

If scary movies have taught us anything, it’s that old things are possessed 80 percent of the time. If the object is an old children’s toy, then that number jumps to 95 percent. If it’s a box of some sort, then that’s at 100 percent.

Old things equate to trouble. For some reason, demonic spirits love old objects filled with character that will go perfectly in your house. Look people, I don’t care if it’s a “steal” and would look great in your living room, don’t do it. Is it worth having your entire house sucked into a portal to hell just because that armoire complements your area rug?

Be the comic relief of your group

I can’t explain why, maybe killers/monsters/demons have more of a personality than we thought, but the funny guy/girl seems to make it through the film. Granted, it will be terrifying and you may lose a limb or two, but you’ll make it.

There will be a time there when everyone assumes you’re dead, but then what do you know, after the killer has been taken care of, you emerge with a wounded arm and a joke on your lips.

If you are the comic relief of the group and you make it through the ordeal, please try to avoid ever falling into the same scenario. For some reason, sequels aren’t as kind to you.

Never, ever take a bath. Ever!

Look, I know taking a nice hot bath can be just thinking to help you unwind and get your mind off the fact that all of your friends are being picked off one-by-one, but avoid that temptation. Nothing good will come from it. Nothing.

Taking a bath leaves you way too vulnerable. First off, you’re naked, so running out into the street screaming is not ideal. Secondly, you’re in a sitting position, not a great starting point for a quick getaway. Thirdly, you’re sopping wet and tile floors are slippery. Not a great combo to pivot and plant as you make an escape. See how this is a bad idea?

Sure, you’ve been up for 36 straight hours and you think the killer/monster is dead, but believe me, he’s not. It’s more likely he’s in your linen closet cleaning his blade with your freshly washed towels. Just take the rick of stinking. It’s better to smell like death than be dead.

On that note, showers create low visibility and vulnerability. Just avoid bathing in general.

If you are attractive and under the age of 30, do not go into the woods

This one is pretty precise, but there’s a reason. If you fit this description and wander into the woods, the likelihood of you dying jumps dramatically. If you’re a child under the age of 15, you’re probably OK, and if you’re over 30, you’re probably dead long before you ever get to the woods.

If the killer has chased you to the edge of the woods, it’s better to face the monster outside of the thicket instead of in it. Yes, you can hide amongst the foliage and brush, but so can whatever is after you. At least in the open you can duck and weave and have a chance to escape. In the woods you give that up and basically have given up.

You’re better than that.

Well, there you have it, some tips that may well save your life. Hopefully you take a look at this and take it seriously before you head out for your Halloween activities.

(John Clyde has been writing about movies, news, sports and pretty much anything awesome for more than five years. He is the co-host of the Flix Junkies podcast and will always entertain you with his stories.)