Before October 13, 2016 I thought I knew grief. Leading up to that date I thought it just simply meant mourning a loved one that you have lost. Today I know it means a lot more than that. Grief to me now is known as loss, pain, suffering, a word that leaves a gaping hole in your heart.
On October 13th I lost the most amazing person I have ever known, my Granny. On that day her pain and suffering ended and mine had just began. Today they categorize grief in five stages: Denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance.
After experiencing this loss I have realized that although you may go through these five stages, grief is not something that will just “go away”. That pain will be there forever. It may get easier to handle it but there will always be that void nothing can fill. That sorrow that you feel will come and go. Little things will trigger it at first but, always remember it does get easier.
In the beginning I was very in denial about the whole situation. Sitting in the hospital beside her bed I made myself feel numb. I felt if I cut off my emotions because I felt that it would help me support my family more. I had never thought about losing one of the most influential people in my life, so when I heard what was happening I forced myself to pretend it wasn’t real.
After she passed I was angry. With God, myself, the world. Everything. I asked God why he takes some of the most amazing people out of this world especially when there is so much hate in our world today. I was mad at myself for not being able to help her while she was in so much pain. I was mad at the world for not spreading love and hating so much more. I can’t really explain why I felt like this but the feeling was there and it was strong. I now realize that the anger was sparked from making myself numb from the situation.
After the anger, came bargaining. I kept thinking to myself that I could’ve done something the help. I knew I couldn’t go back in time but there is always that feeling of “what if.” “What if “she chose not to have the surgery, “what if “we waited longer? I will always have that feeling of “what if”.
There are always tiny things triggering the depression that I’ve formed from the death of my grandmother. Although it’s always going to be there I have found happiness in the little things. Conversation with my grandfather, Grey's Anatomy, candles, and painting are just a few. Recently, I’ve learned not to reflect on what I could’ve done in the past, but what I can do in the future.
Today I have learned to accept the fact that she is gone. She maybe in a new life now but I can’t hold myself in the past. I have to accept that I will see her again one day. I am strong enough to handle the pain. I will make it through this with the help of my friends and family. There may be ups and downs but ultimately I decide what my future will be and I’ve decided to make it one that will make my Granny proud of.
Kinsley Dent is a sophomore at Camden High School and features editor on the Palmetto Leaf staff.