Holiday tips for amazing home remedies:

1. Avoid cutting yourself when slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold the vegetables while you chop.

2. Avoid arguments with the females about lifting the toilet seat by using the sink.

3. For high blood pressure sufferers: Simply cut yourself and bleed for a few minutes, thus reducing the pressure on your veins. Remember to use a timer.

4. A mouse trap placed on top of your alarm clock will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep after you hit the snooze button.

5. If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives. Then you’ll be afraid to cough.

6. You need only two tools in life -- WD-40 and duct tape. If it doesn’t move and should, use the WD-40. If it shouldn’t move and does, use the duct tape.

7. If you can’t fix it with a hammer, you’ve got an electrical problem.

Thought for the day: Some people are like Slinkies -- not really good for anything but they bring a smile to your face when they’re pushed down the stairs.

“Mujibar, you have passed all the tests, except one. Unless you pass it, you cannot quality for this job.”

Mujibar said, “I am ready.”

The manager said, “Make a sentence using the words yellow, pink and green.”

Mujibar said, “The telephone goes green, green. And I pink it up, and say, ‘Yellow, this is Mujibar.’”

Mujibar now works at a call center in India. No doubt you have spoken to him.

A few great quotes:

• “Sometimes I look at my children and say to myself, ‘Lillian, you should have remained a virgin.’” – Lillian Carter, mother of former president Jimmy Carter.

• “The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending; and to have the two as close together as possible.” – George Burns

• “My wife has a slight impediment in her speech. Every now and then she stops to breathe.” – Jimmy Durante

• “My luck is so bad that if I bought a cemetery, people would stop dying.” – Rodney Dangerfield

• “I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.” – W. C. Fields

• “I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.” – Groucho Marx

My friend Waylon Fortenberry of Chesterfield County writes to ask, “If large-breasted women are hired at Hooters, should one-legged men be hired at IHOP?”

Geezer pick-up line:

An 85-year-old gentleman walks into an upscale cocktail lounge. He is well-dressed, smelling slightly of an expensive cologne, hair well groomed, great-looking suit, small rose in his lapel. He presents a suave, well-looked-after image.

Seated at the bar is a fine-looking lady in her late 70s.

The gentleman walks over, sits next to her, orders a drink, takes a sip, turns to her and says, “So tell me, good-looking, do I come here often?”

And finally, a little story to inspire all of us as we head into a new year in a troubled world:

There once was a woman who woke up one morning, looked in the mirror and noticed she had only three hairs on her head. “Well,” she said to herself, “I think I’ll braid my hair today.” So she did and she had a wonderful day.

The next day she woke up, looked in the mirror and noticed she had only two hairs on her head. “Hmm,” she said, “I think I’ll part my hair down the middle today.” So she did and she had a grand day.

The next day, she woke up, looked in the mirror and noticed she had only one hair on her head. “Well,” she said, “today I’m going to wear my hair  in a pony tail.” So she did and she had a fun, fun day.

The next day she woke up, looked in the mirror and noticed she didn’t have a single hair left.

“Yea,” she exclaimed. “I don’t have to fix my hair today.”

Attitude is everything.

Be kinder than necessary, for everyone you meet is fighting some kind of battle.

Live simply, love generously, care deeply and speak kindly.

Oh, yes, and have a happy new year.