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Tatum: Simple answers
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There comes a time when you find yourself just kind of over everyone and everything.

I’m rapidly approaching that time. I think it’s because I never really cared about most of the things people are shrieking about these days and I’m way past the point of being willing to listen to it. I am convinced most things just aren’t that complicated and most of the non-issues we caterwaul over constantly really do have simple solutions.

In fact, I can give simple answers to most of the non-issues I keep reading about these days. The simplest answer is most of them aren’t really problems. Eradication of all life on earth as we know it is a problem. Who uses what bathroom is not. 

Nonetheless, if you need a quick, handy dandy, not even slightly thought out non-solution to the non-problems of modern life, well, hey; I’m your huckleberry.

Don’t like voter I.D. laws? Here’s an idea: go get an I.D., then vote out the pandering, greedy sons of bachelors who made those laws. Theoretically, this approach should work for most of the laws and lawmakers with whom you seem to have problems. But here’s the thing: My guess, simple as it sounds, is once you live through the horrendous experience of visiting the nearest DMV to have your photo taken, you will probably insist others endure similar sacrifice in order to earn their griping privileges.

Here’s another little non-problem I recently solved, at least to my own satisfaction. For awhile there, I was a little disturbed about the whole safe space thing in colleges everywhere. You know, our college age students are so sensitive and fragile they must have a place to go where the big bad world, or even the jackass down the hall, can’t say horrible, insensitive things to them, and by that I mean they must have a place, paid for by both tuition and alumni donations, where they can safely blather on without anyone, you know, disagreeing with them. So in the spirit of this, our brave new nose-wiping world, we did just that. 

We also apparently have set up entire administrative departments to handle such impossibly time consuming tasks as organizing one’s day and taking notes for those who find such things to be unbearable distractions from the whole college experience.

I used to be worried about such trends. Now I’m not, because I found a surprisingly simple solution.

For starters, I’m going to never, ever hire anyone who graduated from a U.S. college or university within the past seven years. Two, I’m going to continue a lifelong policy of never, ever donating to a U.S. college or university. 

See how easy that was? 

Wow. I feel better already.

Are my answers the right answers? Of course not, but that’s not what most of us are looking for anyway. The last time I checked, the only guy who ever did have all the right answers wound up nailed to a cross by a horde of morons who didn’t really want to know, anyway. 

We want validation, not wisdom. And we want it now. 

The last time I checked, about five minutes ago, actually, that mindset certainly had not changed.

Oh yeah, be sure to vote.