I used to blame our plunging collective national IQ on the internet, particularly social media.
However, I can now clearly see I was wrong. The internet is a beautiful, magical place. It’s even better than the real world. Or maybe it is the real world. Why else would everyone walk around in the middle of the street staring into an iPhone?
I understand it now. This is our brave new world. And it’s a good thing.
For instance, after plowing through some 358 e-mails from all sorts of people around the world, I didn’t realize that so many people really care about me and want to help me find true love, make a personal fortune, and be able to achieve up to four hours at a time of reproductive prowess in one single, fast acting, all natural pill. I never knew there were so many caring, compassionate people in the world. How wonderful!
Why, just today, I saw that 15 people saw my profile on the Internet and immediately fell head over heels in love with me. Not bad, considering I don’t recall ever putting a profile anywhere on the internet. And they all are apparently beautiful girls with such names as Honeylambchop, Swedishmagazinebabe, Candylandream, and my personal favorite, "Peanut Butt", who – despite their deep personal interest in all aspects of my life -- somehow do not realize I am married.
Of course, far be it from me to question anyone’s altruism or pooh pooh affairs of the heart, but sometimes I wonder if they heard about my newfound wealth. You see, I have an old friend from Nigeria -- weird how close we are even though we’ve never met, or technically never even heard of each other -- who nonetheless is still waiting for me to send him $5,000 so he can deposit $17.5 billion right into my bank account! And he doesn’t even want a cut of it, just the $5,000. I understand taxes are tough in Nigeria and he tells me he already has enough money to live a decent and modest life.
The problem is, I don’t have five grand to send him, so it will have to wait. On the other hand, someone else informs me that I have won the European Lottery, so maybe I can use some of that money to get my oil fortune out of Nigeria.
Either way, I can see how such life events could somehow attract gold diggers -- not that I would accuse someone as sincere as Peanutt Butt of being a gold digger. Still, it’s been known to happen, especially to us pretty people. I am all about celebrating the inherent goodness of mankind -- who wouldn’t after receiving so much kind correspondence absolutely unsolicited -- but I also understand temptation, and being both beautiful and rich must be a great burden – after all, it’s hard enough just being beautiful.
Of course, with the advent of social media, all this wonderful information is even more accessible. Did you realize that, with enough time and a few extra Facebook likes, you could conceivably let 70 million people know that you, personally, support a flat tax and a wall around Canada and that anyone who doesn’t is clearly a stupid godless unpatriotic communist Muslim poop head who deserves to be deported and go to hell? And did you know that if you post that often enough and with enough conviction, it will become the absolute incontrovertible truth, much like the dime under the pillow clearly proves the Tooth Fairy just wandered by? Who knew the guy from Jersey was also such a deep and studied expert on Mexican immigration law? Who ever suspected Willie Wonka would be such a font of so many deeply insightful interrogatives on so many subjects? Who knew there were so many ex-CIA agents and Illuminati members within the ranks of my friends’ friends on Facebook? Thanks to all these folks, I will never, ever, ever have to research a single, solitary topic ever again -- the facts are all stated right there loud and clear. I don’t have to expend one more iota of thought on anything – and I won’t.
Isn’t that great?
I could go on and on about the wonders of this our brave new world. But the beauty of it is, I don’t have to -- someone else will do it for me, indeed, has already done it -- so I can get back to the business of posting pictures of the venison sausage and heirloom tomato quiche I made Saturday.
God bless the internet. And, oh yeah, be sure to vote.