From the mailbag:
• Reflections on life and growing older, from Regina Brett of the Cleveland Plain Dealer:
1. Life isn’t fair, but it’s still good.
2. If a relationship has to be a secret, you shouldn’t be in it.
3. It’s OK to get angry with God. He can take it.
4. When it comes to chocolate, resistance is futile.
5. Make peace with your past so it won’t screw up the present.
6. Life is too short to waste time hating anyone.
7. It’s never too late to have a happy childhood. But the second one is up to you and no one else.
8. Burn the candles, use the nice sheets, wear the fancy lingerie. Don’t save it for a special occasion. Today is special.
9. Time heals almost everything. Give time time.
10. Don’t take yourself so seriously. Nobody else does.
11. Growing old beats the alternative -- dying young.
12. Get outside every day. Miracles are waiting everywhere.
13. Envy is a waste of time. You already have all you need.
15. Life isn’t tied with a bow, but it’s still a gift.
16. No matter how you feel, get up, dress up and show up.
17. Believe in miracles.
18. Your children get only one childhood.
19. If we threw all our problems in a pile and saw everyone else’s, we grab ours back.
20. Everything can change in the blink of an eye. But don’t worry; God never blinks.
• Dan was a single guy living at home with his father and working in the family business. When he found out he was going to inherit a fortune when his sickly father died, he decided he needed to find a wife with whom to share it.
One evening, at an investment meeting, he spotted the most beautiful woman he had ever seen. Her beauty took his breath away.
“I may just look like an ordinary guy,” he said to her. “But in just a few years my father will die and I will inherit $200 million.”
Impressed, the woman asked for his business card and three days later, she became his stepmother.
Lesson: women are so much better at financial planning than men.
• Spring classes for women at the local Adult Learning Center:
Class 1: Up In Winter, Down In Summer: how to adjust a thermostat -- step by step, with slide presentation.
Class 2: Fundamental Differences Between A Purse And A Suitcase -- with pictures and explanatory graphics.
Class 3: Can A Shower Be Taken Without 14 Different Kinds Of Soap And Shampoo -- open forum.
Class 4: I Was Wrong And He Was Right -- real-life testimonials.
Class 5: Health Watch -- they make medicine for PMS.
Class 6: How To Parallel Park In Less Than 20 Minutes Without An Insurance Claim -- driving simulations.
Class 7: Is It Possible To Drive Past A Flea Market Without Stopping -- group debate.
• An old ship captain inspected his sailors and afterwards told the first mate that his men smelled bad. The captain suggested perhaps it would help if the sailors would change underwear occasionally.
The first mate responded, “Aye, aye, sir. I’ll see to it immediately.”
The first mate went straight to the sailors’ berth deck and announced, “The captain thinks you guys smell bad and wants you to change your underwear.” He continued, “Pittman, you change with Jones. MarCarthy, you change with Witkowski, and Brown, you change with Schultz.”
The moral of the story: someone might come along and promise “change,” but don’t expect things to smell any better.
• My friend Waylon Fortenberry of Chesterfield County writes to say he’s discovered the secret to making a marriage last. “Two times a week, we go to a nice restaurant to have a little wine and some good food,” Waylon explains. “She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.”